Our humanity

Ey you!

It has been a while since I expressed my thoughts on this platform. I am generally expressing myself in different mediums on social media, but in the same breath life just gets really busy. I just hopped on here quickly as I wanted to share some thoughts about our humanity with you today, if you are keen to read. 

We all live life looking at the world through a certain lens. This world view is molded by our upbringing, culture, societal norms, faith and many other avenues. I think it is so beautiful to be in conversation with someone who wasn't stimulated by the same contributing factors we experienced while shaping our world view. Someone of a different ethnicity, culture and sexuality - just to mention a few contributing factors.

The world has always been up in arms with the difference of opinion. One group suggests that abortion is wrong, the other that it is okay. Another group says that heterosexuality is the only way in which humans can romantically and sexually be attracted to each other, and another group says, "we were not born that way". Some say that monogamy is the only way we can successfully carry relationships long term and others find that committing to more than one partner is more practical. The list is endless and we are always in conversation debating which world view is correct and which is incorrect. 

I grew up in a Christian home, and it is from this place that I have viewed the world. However, in the same breath, I was never one to follow the rules - especially if the "rules" suppressed my expression of who I am. I was always the one to go for piercings, listen to music that was not mainstream and expressed myself in the most authentic ways. Now, being a lover of people, I quickly had to understand that I had to accept that everyone I would encounter would not have the same world view as I do, and that is totally okay. 

A few months ago I had this moment where I looked at some of the people around me and I looked at them with secret judgement at the version of who they were right in front of me. Being who I am, the judgement doesn't last long and I lean into who I really see them to be. I try to view them in who they  potentially could be if they were not tainted by the brokenness of the world. Then I had a thought! I started thinking that the version of who they are today is because of the life they have lived and is living. The brokenness and the trauma they had to work through or even run away from. The lack of love they didn't experience, from key people in their lives. The constant battles they had and continue to face. All of this and more has contributed to the version of who they are today. 

So what happens when we meet someone who do not see life through the same lens as we do? What happens when they live a completely different life to ours? We love on them, because WE ARE HUMANITY. Our stories on this side of eternity is wrapped in brokenness and pain. Yes, we can take the journey of healing, and that journey is hard, but we are at different paces on this journey called life. This life is to be lived and living looks different for different people. This life is also about being. This means that we feel intentionally and we move freely. Again, this will look different for every person. 

I guess this is what Lecrae was talking about in his song, broken, where he says, "we all need grace in the face of each other". We can only have grace for another once we realize that we are very much on the same journey. We are processing life on this side of eternity. We are on one journey as human kind, but we live in different realities. So how dare we dismiss someone else's humanity by saying, "It is not supposed to be done that way!", when we do not know the story of that particular individual's life. 

We are on a journey, family. And that journey is not an easy journey to navigate through. It is terrifyingly beautiful. 

As we engage with other human beings, let us take the intentional approach that they too are human. It is maturity to love on others from that place. This is how we create community. We do not dismiss people because they are different to us., that is not how community is built. We sing different songs and write different stories. We are the writers of our own stories. We are all just looking at life through different lenses. And those lenses have been molded by many different contributing factors in our lives. 

Love can be pure and pure love can heal. Your intention of someone else's humanity and the way you treat them could help them be the same for someone else!

Love Ro

I miss my pappa

This week was really fragile for me. I guess sometimes we think that we've placed certain emotions on standby for a bit, you know, so that it does not overwhelm us. But this week was definitely a week of remembrance for me. 

There are days I don't remember the yearning I deeply feel for my father and then there are days where it crashes over me like waves during a high tide. For years I have imagined what it would be like to have a very present father. I imagine him teaching me how to change the flat tire of my car. I imagine talking to him about endless boy problems I have. I imagine taking walks with him while being showered with physical affection, which he did when I was a child. Along with these imaginative thoughts, I have also worked through hatred and pain I have had towards him, and the bitterness that deeply embedded itself because of his absence. 

Today, I can say that I deeply love my father. I think it took a while for me to process that my father didn't have a present-loving father. In actual fact he had a very abusive father. One of whom cheated on his mother on numerous occasions and who cultivated a toxic home. But my father's father also did not have a father. And it wasn't his fault. Bringing it down to the present time, I feel as though this is unfair for me. Why do I now have to suffer the fruit of generations before me in a matter so important to my well-being? Yes, my father wasn't fully present and he did physically abuse me a few times, but he was the best he could be. That is a hard thought for me to process, even right now while I am typing this.

I guess as kids we will always have questions for our parents in the actions that have taken to contribute to the versions of who they are today. In the very tough times I have with both my parents, friends like my best friend and some mentors, would always remind me that my parents were also once children. They were once children also longing for what I am longing for. In light of this, I tell myself, "Have grace for the shepherds who tried to raise you." And if I may add, I feel as though they did a really good job because we have faced lots of trauma as a family inclusive and exclusive of my father's presence. 

There is still a sense of lack in me. There is still the ever-growing longing to be loved by my own father. My king and friend. Confidant and shield. Damn, I used to feel like I could conquer the world beside him. 

It has been a tough week for both my sisters, in more ways than one. As they both shared with me their hurt in their respective heartfelt issues, I found myself digging in an empty well. It hurt me to hear my sisters hurt. But it also hurt me because what did present look like in the crux of these moments? What does that look like when you didn't have that from your own? 

I always find it so challenging to draw from references not attached to me. What I mean is that I do have father figures, mentors, friends who live by amazing examples etc but, I want my own father. I dream that it could have been a journey him and I have walked and now I get to use our story as a tool of victory for my sisters. But life doesn't always work that way. 

I am extremely grateful for the many people in my life who lead by example. I get to watch some of the most amazing men lead their families and this is always so refreshing for me. I won't lie, when I was younger these types of scenarios always cut me up big time! Now I get to watch and learn from how they treat their families and how they cultivate a home. 

I remember in a creative life planning meeting with my friend and pastor, Monte (shoutout Monte). He asked me what I was wanting to build. And like him I said, "family". It has been a rough ride since. I thought building family would be a little easier than this. But taking into account the trauma, the individual experiences, the memories, the sorrows, the dreams that perished. We recognize that this is a life-long journey of healing. A few years ago I would have fits of anger with my family. I would also be partially present when they would talk to me. Now, I am different. I have been observing my friends and mentors very close to me and I have seen that there is a better way. 

Yes, we long for the day fathers return to our homes and for healing to live with us once again. But truthfully speaking, most of us do not resonate with that dream right now. However, this is not the end. I can sit here and ponder on my pain and have it paralyze me, or I can open conversations to help me on this journey of healing. 

I have recognized that I am a contributor to the healing of now in my family and to the generations after me. I now look at my nieces and I shower them with intentional love. I whisper in their ears that they are beautiful. That they are loved. That they are seen and heard, even though I don't understand baby language. I now engage with my family and be empathetic towards the versions of who they are today. 

It is hard to journey healing with family but it is so worth it. There were many meetings I have called with family where I am shouting at everyone. I didn't know how to lead a home since I was 17, but I did. I can proudly say I did. The way I did it was not always pretty, but I needed to let them know that I was not okay with where we were at. It took a lot of trauma we caused one another in where we are today, but we are stronger. I can never replace my father in my sisters lives and surely not in my own. But I know this that we have bright examples shining around us and if me learning to be like a father would help those around me, then so be it. I want to be a contributor to healing and not brokenness anymore. I want to be a better brother, a better father-figure and a better friend. 

I still love my dad and get to randomly see him. The last conversation we had, he asked me if I was okay and healthy. He also got to say that he is proud of me for leading our family. That was precious. He asked about my sisters and mother, as he always does. In my heart I get to pray for him as a small boy. My prayer is always that he will find his way back to healing and that he will let go of the shame of time missed and lost. That God is able to turn filthy rags into garments of beauty and that he will take that which is lost and bring them to a place of love and healing. 

Love Ro. 

Bitch, I was queer all my life

Colors, rainbows and sparkles. All of them and everything in between. This is the epitome of me. This is my story. However, this wasn't always part of my true reality, because I lived in the spoken and unspoken expectations of people and what the Christian society deemed as fit to be Christian. And PS I am not here to 'out' the Christian community, because I am very much a part of the community, but damn they hurt and continue to hurt a lot of people in the LGBTQ+ community. 

I would like to think that I grew up very liberal even though I grew up Christian. My family and I never really joined intensely strict religious churches. The churches we found ourselves in were mainly driven by young people and so this had its perks in regards to the sense of liberty we experienced in these spaces. I found myself being in leadership within these church spaces from the age of 15 due to my love for people and my natural gift of leadership. These memories are ever so dear to my heart.  

My earliest memory of same-sex attraction was in Grade 3. He was a boy named, Jade. One day during the art exercise in class, as I was blowing ink out of a straw onto my page, I just felt Jade walk past and blew into my neck. Now who knows why he did that, but boy oh boy did that do something to me.  All I remember was my body shivered a bit and I was somewhat intrigued. Thereafter, my entire Primary and High School journeys were filled with moments where this attraction grew. I might have asked a girl to be my valentine and got rejected because she wasn't feeling it and also might have kissed a friend of mine for fun (who is bi by the way) but none of these interactions with women really did it for me. People had told me later on that I just need to try having sex with a woman once and my perspective will change because the vagina is really that good. And I would be like "uhm". 

Even though I had been messing around with guys in regards to romance, sex and friendship, I was never really allowed to explore my sexuality. Questions like, why do I like boys? Why do I feel different when a man touches me to when a woman does? What does gay look like in every day life? These were some of the questions I had floating in my mind, but had to suppress because you just don't ask these questions being a coloured male and on top of it, Christian. I think for most of my childhood I grew up looking at the "moffies" (and I hate this term as it is degrading) and associated being gay to what that stereotypically looked like. But to be honest I couldn't relate. I was a boy who liked boys, simple. But the problem was that I could not relate to straight boys either. With all of these feelings of feeling displaced, I also didn't feel that I could venture into my questions around sexuality because of my involvement in church as well. 

At the age of 15 I was dating a guy who was just over 30 years old. I really loved him, but by law this was statutory rape. My parents had found out about this and it quickly became an ordeal. Not only did they find out about me being gay but now I was a boyfriend to a man twice my age. I was immediately pushed into an ultimatum to choose between my family and my boyfriend. And of course, I chose my family. I then decided to "change" my life and this lasted for two years. After that, I "relapsed" and found myself in constant ex-gay internal conversations. This went on for years. What does loving Jesus and being gay look like? People referred me to people who are now ex-gay but their testimonies never touched me. Other pastors prayed for me because they saw a spirit over my sexuality and some people in the prophetic told me in some spaces I was becoming more manly and this was great because God is changing me. Hence all these experiences, how dare I even entertain sexuality questions. Yet, sexuality was never discussed in church, well, only when they made fun of homosexuals, mocking them from the pulpit. 

I left institutional church as we know it. I just could not live with so many regulations and expectations that were set by previous church fathers who created a culture of toxicity in many ways. And what made it worse was that the current baby-boomer leaders were sustaining this culture. If we must be honest with ourselves, the Church (capital C), has hurt many people and not only the people from the LGBTQ+ community. And I include myself in that statement. Because of my internal homophobia, even though I was gay myself, I would stand arguing with other people in the LGBTQ+ community. And then in that same week venture out with a man to do exactly what I was speaking against. I was set to target teens who were "struggling" with sexuality and share with them my story of how I "overcame" homosexuality but this was all so vain and all my words fell down by the wayside days after my mission. 

  

It was in October/November last year when I fell in love with a guy I did not meet. We chatted for days and weeks on end and formed a crazy bond. By the time we had to meet, he got cold feet on both occasions. Long story short, this guy was a catfish and it turns out it was a new friend of mine who cat fished me. He didn't have the balls to tell me he had feelings for me and chose to hide behind this fake identity. This whole experience tore my heart into pieces because I had really fallen in love. 

I remember after going back and forth with him about some traumatic things he told me, it just got to me on every emotional level. My friend had been visiting from the states and I had visited his hotel. I just remember sitting on the bathroom floor crying. I was crying because I had now been working through trauma I had been carrying for years. 

-The trauma of not allowing myself to love another man because homosexuality is wrong

-The trauma of revealing all my flaws with potential of being rejected

-The trauma of daddy issues

-The trauma of breaking down years of Christian teachings that tormented me

At that point, I decided enough was enough. And I knew that this catfish experience was more than just someone's selfish manipulation but it was pushing me into a space where I had to face all I was carrying for 27 years. I made peace with myself and my sexuality. I had sat down constantly with close friends and leaders who have been and is still journeying with me and they listened without judgement or pushing me into some form of conversion therapy. I sat down with my mamma because I felt that sitting down with her would be honoring her, and she said "boy, I already knew this" and laughed. Well, at least she can stop asking me for grandkids now. 

Journeying through this was tough. I know many people in the Christian community stand by and watch. I bet you some ignorant folk are even praying for me to turn. Shame. But I am done with that bullshit. This shit is traumatizing to queer people. I have friends who get into heterosexual marriages because they want to "overcome" their sexuality issues. I have other friends who live double lives because they cannot tell their family as they are dependent on them financially or the spiritual beliefs in their home completely opposes these thoughts. But my people are hurting and this is due to groups of people establishing cultures from places of homophobia and now we live fighting against these prejudice behaviors. 

To the larger Christian community, I think my love for you is dying. You just annoy me because you don't live a life that carries light. All you do is force scripture down people's throats and that my friend is not how you do things. 

To my friends, my leaders, my family and the amazing queer support group I recently joined. I am grateful that you have taken the time and patience to journey with me because the last year has been both messy and beautiful for me. I know there are some of you who struggle to conceptualize sexuality and the complexity of it, but you have and continue to love me so well. And I thank you for taking time to journey with me. You are loved!

To the many allies of the LGBTQ+ community, we love you. The prayers, the conversations of encouragement, the mentorship. It is all taken with so much appreciation and joy. 

I wish we could all learn to treat people as treasures that they are. We often treat people as if they are projects and not like people. Enough of the "you can't sit with us" bullshit that we have cultivated when someone doesn't look or live the lives that we live. We so easy to use scripture to separate people groups, control people and condemn people when it is supposed to be used to heal. And let me add this, STOP SAYING THAT YOU LOVE THE LGBTQ+ COMMUNITY  when none of them are sitting at your tables dining with you. When none of them are in your leadership teams, having influence in rooms of decision-making. When none of them feel like you bring them dignity and validation. Because it is like saying that you love people of colour but all you see are white people doing life with you. 

With much frustration, 
Love Ro. 

The walls are speaking

During a time of a world epidemic due to the virus, Covid-19, I thought I'd give the world something to read as many of us are in a quarantine of some sort. Shame, I have been home since Monday, March 9th 2020 and not solely due to the virus scares but because of Shingles. Yes, my people, the evil,  painful Shingles.

It started off as a nerve in my arm that felt as if it was pitching of some sort. Then my upper back started pulling together in a muscle-spasm like pain. A few days after I started experiencing cold shivers, which then made me see the local general practitioner. There wasn't enough evidence shown to point to the problem, but a few days later a rash appeared on my left arm. One thing led to the next and then bam, they came to make a home on my arm! I constantly got cold and hot really quickly, my body felt weak and the medication had horrible side effects. Well, the worst is over. I still look like someone who was attacked by the black fog in Hunger Games and I am losing my mind by being indoors all the time.

I would like to believe that I am an extrovert with introvert qualities, so all this little-to-no-human interaction is not doing me well in the most part. However, one thing I can say for sure is that my head is buzzing with deep thoughts. It is so amazing, I think Amanda Cook, one of my favourite creatives, she sings in one of her songs the following words: "Some things you can't know till you're still. In the silence. Where your spinning thoughts slow down". And this proves itself to be true, even to us who are external processors.

Life has a way of changing us, especially when we find ourselves in the hustle of every day. If not evaluated or introspected on a regular basis, we would find that there are certain seeds that are growing inside of us that we do not like. And before we know it, these seeds have formed trees and roots that are painful to dig deep for.

I have recently started therapy at my church and this experience has been short so far, but good. Therapy has taught me to process, but also to look at the things I am not looking at. Both positive and negative. In one of my first sessions, it was really hard for me to think of positive things for what was asked of me. (Sorry, privacy agreement here). I started to realise that as much as I was an optimistic person by nature, in my head I had pessimism growing like slow poison.

Bringing this back to the present time. While being in this house for days on end, I have come to know that I am deeply unhappy because survival was always the posture of my heart. This is why anxiety and fear came to stay. I have been living in this posture for years and somehow, somewhere it became a part of me. So no matter if I was having the time of my life or with the people I deeply loved and cared for, in my heart I was happy, but my broken soul was smothering the true joys of the moments of life. I would find it hard to express the joy, unless if by the other person or people, they would pull this out of me until the moment passed and we all went back to normal life.

I find that this looks different for a lot of people. Sometimes we cannot have proper eye-to-eye and meaningful conversations with people (and I am not talking constructed conversations only, but day to day) due to the fact that we are battling inside. It is not because we are introverted or extroverted. It is not because we are always busy with our phones. We use these as excuses not to engage because we are afraid of what people will truly see, feel and sense when we engage with them without any distractions.

Vulnerability is one of the values I hold dear to my heart, but it is the one value that scares me most times. The vulnerability to oneself, especially. The moments you have to come to terms and pull back the reins of your mind. These are the moments that we are naked where it is just us, with our thoughts. The really dark ones, and the really childlike ones. The dreams, the aspirations, the fears and the brokenness.

This is so beautiful because we are complex. A world within a world.

Let's take out these few days, weeks or months to engage with those we love. But also to engage with ourselves in such a way that we start to recognize the places of brokenness within us, think about healthy ways to journey through the healing so that we can love the ones we have been honoured to walk life with, in a wholesome manner.

Love Ro
Stay healthy

Thoughts on creativity

I've been exploring creativity for a few days now. Pondering and meditating on what it means to be a creative. I am also looking at those who have created and who still are creating. I soon realize that I have so much to learn and that what I know about creativity is just a small percentage of what is to be discovered and lived out.

Creativity is an endless ocean. The melodies, the colours. The textures, the sounds we can make with our mouths. The movement in the bones and emotion in a picture. The manipulation of words to help stimulate thoughts. The smell to trigger and the sight to behold.

Over the years and decades, these have all taken on different forms. I feel so honoured to be alive in this generation who dares to believe in something alternative and who is not afraid to express. I want to be free to create. I want to be free to create from the deep wells that live and flows on the inside. Sometimes these expressions are offensive and even unsettling. This is because what is inside of us is not always clean and purified. We are processing. We are growing into who we are supposed to be. Sometimes that journey can be a bit hard to swallow if you trying to appreciate from the outside. The arts truly is a reflection of what people see in our eyes when they talk to us. The arts show a part of our soul to the world around us and everyone who wants to behold.

Unlearning paradigms

About just over a year ago an old man approached me asking if everything was okay. I had shared with him that I was quite fine and my question, "why do you ask?", soon followed. He said to me, "I had a dream you were walking away from the church". At that time I was never planning to leave my church and it got me thinking about the old man's dream.

I had shared this dream with a friend, and he told me he maybe thinks that I am walking away from a certain type of thinking and not necessarily the church. Well, a few weeks later I did leave the church I was a part of, and whether or not the dream confirmed that, I don't know. I definitely can agree that the dream meant that I was walking away from a certain type of thinking. 

Google translates a paradigm as a noun which means a typical example or pattern of something. It also means a distinct set of concepts or thought patterns.

This year started off quite hardcore for me. I spent the 1 January 2019 on my friend's couch crying about the state of my soul. There were many factors that came into play which led me to that particular moment. And when I look back now, all I see is transformation.

I just got back from a weekend away with my life group. It was such a lekker weekend. Heavy chill and vibey moments had us all weekend. But I couldn't help myself to reflect on what I learned this year. I thought about what I would say if people were to ask what this year meant for me. I thought about the word, TRANSFORMATION. So much has changed on the outward, but this only happened because my entire paradigm was being shifted and challenged.

What changed you might ask? Well I will discuss a few points below, and I am really open to conversation about this if you wish to talk about it.

1. Leadership

My perception on leadership has changed dramatically! If I ever thought I knew what being a leader was, I had to think again. The community I am a part of now definitely catapulted that for me, just by being so intentional about people. 

I would think about leadership in the way that was taught in church life and in other spheres of society. But all I knew was that particular way. Now I am in an environment where leadership is not hierarchical or where one person has the final say. Leadership now for me is giving space to other people, leading the person and not the program, being open to other thoughts and probing questions to allow people to think for themselves. Leadership also looks like open communication and feedback, not changing who you are, but being authentic in the way you lead people.

2. Church 

I think leadership ties in with my next point which is Church. 

It is clear to see that I am in a different environment. An environment of which I was never exposed to. Numa Life, the church I am currently a part of, never looked like church I grew up in or was exposed to. Numa has literally become a breath of fresh air for me. 

What I love about Numa is the fact that I can be authentic in who I am as an individual. I found that churches I grew up in wanted to actively transform you into what they perceived church to look like. Here I am now, learning to be myself and who I am called to be in Jesus but not through the mould of what church wants me to look like. My thoughts are valued here. My opinion is cherished. But most importantly I feel SEEN. I am loved by these people. I am actively loved.

The concept of diversity is also greatly celebrated in this community of people. My love for South Africa and Africa as a whole has grown so much. If you know me, you would know that I was an extreme Bethel fan. I knew the worship leaders, knew their spouses, who was new and who left. I followed these people because they greatly impacted me. Now that looks really different. I still love Bethel, but I have been exposed to the sound of Africa and wow! I'd prefer to worship to music of the people of the land than someone coming from the West.

3. Life 

I put so much away because of what church structure wanted us to look like. It was still very much through the lens of the words you can't do that, you can't do that, you can't do that. Now it is an open conversation about why we are doing what we are doing and this conversation will bring us closer to the root of our actions. I feel like only then we can truly decide from understanding and not out of obligation. 

As much as I was unlearning my old ways this year, I have also experienced so many beautiful and wild moments. 

One of the most beautiful moments for me was watching my sister give birth to twins! This will forever be tops for the list of 2019. I am an uncle to two beautiful babies! 

I also had the honour of ministering alongside some We Will Worship movement's peeps at First Fridays, Cape Town which was always a vibe and something to look forward to on the First Friday of every month. Side note, we will be starting again in February next year. 

I made so many awesome connections and my friends have multiplied. My circles are no longer circles but lines connecting from one side of the city to another side of the city. 

I am so thankful for this year. I started off this year crying, but I am entering the new year dancing and laughing! 

The Lord truly takes our sorrow and turns them into joy. We only have to seek it out in Him and walk boldly in the joy He has given us. 

Here is to 2020!

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LET YOUR HAIR DOWN

Well done SOUTH AFRICA!!! (Running down the road singing Shosholoza) Hahaha. I am really proud of South Africa for beating Japan today in the Rugby World Cup. 

Yes, so this might seem shocking to some of you who actually take out the time to read my blogs and my thoughts I choose to share. For you who know me know that I am not really bothered by sport, or let me rather say 'was' not bothered by sport. Any sport of that matter. But today, a few friends and I sat in a bar at Rondebosch and we enjoyed watching the Bokke take out Japan. The atmosphere was charged, we were shouting and commentating, while I was getting some lessons on Rugby from the friends at my table.

What has this to do with the focus of this blog you might ask? Well, I wanted to speak about letting your hair down and enjoying the everyday moments in life. I think for the longest time ever I have observed people and even myself in some measures, living life like prunes. The cares of this world just taking its best shot at us hitting us in the balls. Some of us have been through so much that the blows are somewhat 'normal' and we grow accustomed to the pain and the sorrow. Like others, I find myself sometimes living in the past. The moments we regret, how to say I am sorry to those we have hurt and the wishful hope of changing the hand of time. I also find myself living in the future. The unknown, the financial planning and the planning of what life will look like for me. And this produces anxiety right?

But how often do we take out intentional time to pause and embrace the moments we are living in the present? Those moments are different for many of us. Some of those moments are our children trying to grasp our attention to show us they found a little insect that is their favourite colour or singing along to Adele's 'When we were young' as you drive through town with your little sister. Other moments look like us chilling with our friends watching a movie, with some coffee or tea and maybe some malva pudding waiting for us on the side. We miss these moments of living just because we are so tensed up about life.

It's been a tough season lately. Some things just literally just drive you up the wall, but I am so thankful for community. In the week at our Young Adults life group, we posed the question during worship, "What is one thing that you are thankful for?". My answer to my friends was, "I am grateful for embracing the moments". As these words came out of my mouth, I just felt happy, happy to be honest with myself and where I am at in life right now. There are seasons in life that are really great, and other seasons where you literally want to throw in the towel and die. But as powerful as the emotions we feel in these seasons, these are seasons in life's journey.

The journeys we walk in life all look differently and hold different dynamics of pain and beauty, and as much as I think we should be vulnerable to those who journey with us, we need to be vulnerable with ourselves. We need to work through the pain. Honesty is a great deal when it comes to ourselves. We measure the magnitude of honesty we display to other people, but how much longer can we measure the honesty we choose to show to ourselves? For we know what sorrow we carry deep inside and we cannot run from this all our lives. 

Letting your hair down is not just about letting go and having a good time, but it is also about working through the hard times to fully embrace the good times.

A good friend of mine asked me a question that bothers me until this day. He asked me, "What do you do for fun?". This seems like a really simple question to answer right? Well, this was hard for me and it made me feel sad. I went through the list. I responded by saying, "I sing, write music, hang out with friends" and that was about it. That question triggered a lot of other questions in my head. I had been so sad and so held back by the pain in my heart that I missed out on life. I became busy with activities and motions where people were in need of my giftings but never was I enjoying the things that made me happy.

When Jesus said we should become like little children to enter the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 18), it was more about the freedom becoming childlike held. A child holds freedom from the cares of this life and they hold no regret or anxiety in their hearts.

I will end this part of the blog with a question. What does letting your hair down mean for you today? Does it mean you need to put your phone down? Does it mean you need to start a journey of seeing professional help? I have attended a praise party hosted by Firefly about over a week ago. I was dancing so lekker. One guy came up to me and spoke about how it looked so fun to be dancing. I immediately told him, "Christ set us free". I almost felt so strong about this to give him all my thoughts but I decided not to. But some of us need to get up from our seats and start dancing to the music of our hearts. We will be better people for ourselves and for other people.

Before I go, I have an...

I actually have two announcements.

1. A friend and I are starting a bloggers group movement on social media soon, so please stay tuned for that. 

2. In a matter of weeks, I will be releasing a song I have been working on. I am super amped for that. You can stay tuned for that too.

Love you guys!

Ro. 

Becoming less religious

Hey friends, loved ones and readers! I am back again with some thoughts and heart. For you who intimately know me, you would know that this has been an intense year for me. I started off this year balling my eyes out on my friend's couch because I was such a hot mess. I fell for a friend of mine, I was recovering from family trauma and as a family, we had also changed communities in a drastic way. But this was only the beginning. Soon to follow were events that would change my life forever.

I had possibly gone to the deepest pit and very quickly I must add. This time, the pit was different. I embraced the pit. I analyzed the pit. I sat in the darkness and asked the questions that would challenge my paradigm. Belief systems, values, morals, sexuality and truth were all and are still being challenged.

This journey can be daunting and one can lose oneself in all of the questions. We can formulate our own truths and believe that which we have come to a conclusion about. But these would be our own hypothesis. But what happens when we measure our conclusions to Jesus' truth? What does He say about our brokenness and our shortcomings then? The answer would be GRACE.

As I journeyed on and on, through tears and laughter. Through the changing of circles between church people and people who don't know Jesus. I started realizing how religious I have been all these years and how I have made this separation between "them and us". But the more I journey on in grace, the more I am becoming less religious. The more I understand that Jesus is in every moment of my life. In the high moments and in the moments I really, really mess up. He wants to be part of it and not apart from it.

I am reminded about how Jesus defended the lady amongst the religious. These were the teachers of the law. The ones who openly lived accordingly. And here they bring a woman amongst them who have been caught in the very act of defilement. Here they bring to the One who is pure and holy, someone that of a harlot. But Jesus calls to everyone who stands ready to stone her, to cast the first stone if they do not have sin. The very One who could cast the stone against her refuses to cast the stone but to stand to defend her. Why would the Son of God defend an unholy person? Surely, she deserved judgment, and so do we because we are 'her'. We are those of harlotry, and maybe not on the outside but deep in our hearts.

If we take a look at the generation we live in today, we clearly see that we do not need another "live by the rules" list; we need an encounter. We need to look Love straight in His eyes and so deep that we see our flawless reflection in Him. This will stir up our hearts to live purely for Him and not for a system or for rules. If we live for rules and we fail, which we always do because we are human, we have shame and guilt overcome us. Instead, if we lived in relationship and intimacy, He will share with us what hurts His heart and what brings Him great joy, and from that place, we grow in grace. We need to see what His eyes burn for! That is for us.

I have learned so much by loving all people from different backgrounds and cultures. I am in fact, humbled by these experiences. Every story and every life carries such richness, stemming from deep sorrows and unexplainable joys.

Amanda Cook, one of my role models, said this beautiful statement that blew my mind. She said we carry every age we have ever been. Just think about that for a moment. I am 26 years old and I literally carry every age I have ever been. We carry this in our souls. In that retrospect, as profound as that statement is, it is sad to see someone with a belief system outcasts another individual simply because they do not believe the same. Yet we carry worlds within us as human beings and these worlds are precious to the One who speaks worlds into existence. We judge but have you sat down at one table and learned to know that beautiful one? Have you taken time out to dig deep into their soul past the outter appearance?

Religion can make us stiff-necked and bitter. It can make us divide ourselves from others and catergorize ourselves onto levels to other human beings. I am sorry, if you are reading this and I have led you into any form of religion and not into relationship. I am sorry, if you have experienced religion through what people showed and taught you about Jesus, and not relationship with Jesus.

Let's lose our religion. Let's get to really know Jesus. We will start to see that He is the highest form of freedom, something that religion cannot give you.

Lots of love, Ro.

Instagram: @rocoetzee

Twitter: @coetzeerowyn

Facebook: Rowyn Coetzee

Weeping South Africa

It is a sad time in South Africa as anxiety fills the streets of our once-before "free" cities and communities. Women and children are becoming more and more fearful to live normal lives. Taking lunch breaks at the local coffee shop, being dropped off at school, visiting a friend or family member or simply just going to the post office. Social media has peaked at its worst news of women and children being raped, kidnapped and killed. Injustice has taken its toll on our nation with the government in silence and civil citizens up in arms.

Ever so quickly, news has erupted of abuse towards women in South Africa. There have always been serious articles about topics such as gangsterism and murders of our young people in our nation, but never have we experienced the severity of blatant abuse and killings of women in a span of just a few days. Somewhere we have failed as a nation. Somewhere we have failed as men. 

In the beginning, we were created as female and male. Both genders holding such richness in their framework, despite the diversity within. It is heart-wrenching to see women under such attack. These women are our mothers, sisters, friends and loved ones. Every time a woman or girl goes missing or is reported as killed, this definitely affects us. I think we are way past the "it does not affect me phase" because this poison has crept onto our doorsteps long ago already. This epidemic has grown so much, in South Africa, so much so that it is something we cannot control anymore unless drastic measures are put into place.

Every day my sister checks in with me after school to say that she is now safely home, with the usual accompaniment of what happened during the day. Today she voice notes me to say she is safe, but she goes on to say these words, "Boeta, I don't want to be stolen". These heart-wrenching words just penetrated through me as I had no response. How has this epidemic climaxed this much? This is not normal for our women and children to live life looking over their shoulders. Yet, this is the state of the nation we are living in at this time. 

We have the government take away corporal punishment in schools, thereafter, leaving the educational system into the hands of children who think school is punishment itself. We also have government pass laws allowing civilians to be more liberal in their living, yet the doing away of certain laws have more civilians being killed day by day. We have corruption leaking in the different spheres of public service and no one is taking responsibility for it. All these choices of deciding and not deciding has turned the tables in drastic measures for our nation.

It feels like the government will not take us seriously with these intense matters, and this makes me angry. What do the civilians of South Africa do if the government does not take charge? What will the outcome be of a people who have had enough? To the government officials, hear our cry! What happened when we voted for you because we believed in what you sold us on voting day? We are tired. We are suffocating. 

South Africa has a voice, but right now we are weeping with our daughters' blood running through the streets and our sisters tied up in captivity. We were not made to be in bondage to another. We were fought for, and people died to have us walk in a freedom that belongs to us. Now is the time to stand together and unite. Now is the time to lift up our voices in prayer together. We are not out-numbered, we are only divided and there is our problem!

Let us put aside our differences for one cause, for one movement!

#SAshutdown
#BringBackOurGirls 

Like a bird out of a cage

My loved ones and I celebrated the transition from 2018 to 2019 with sunsets, braai, worship, an all nighter and then a 6 am swim on Fishoek Beach. All of it was beautiful.

I had gone home to sleep for two hours and then back in the game of being the extrovert. But as I was driving to my friend's place, a phrase dropped into my mind while the sweet sounds of JP Cooper played in the background. "Sometimes we just need to make peace with ourselves". I pulled over in front of some random pub that was closed and parked in the parking. I whipped out my iPad and started jotting down what is happening in my head. I started with "Dear Rowyn..."

I didn't know I was going to unravel in the next few moments, but I did. Boy oh boy was it a glorious mess! I was becoming undone.

Up until this point I feel like everything was a build up. Everything had kind of made sense. The discovery of self had now become the acceptance of self. I knew I was sorrowful but I had not known how deeply sorrowful until I started writing myself this letter. I had stated things that I cannot really mention on this blog, but what I can say is that I wrote about the things that got me ripped up deep inside.

Now just before this point, I had made some drastic decisions for myself. I have also asked the questions I was afraid to ask because of the culture I was living in for all my life amongst some crazy decisions of tasting and seeing what I have not before. This process was a messy one, but one where I became true to what was happening inside of me.

During the festive I dropped my friend, Lauren, a message to rant about what was happening in my heart. She told me, "Ro, maybe you are becoming". Wow, this phrase hit me so hard. I think about it all the time. Every moment of this journey of self discovery has been a journey within a journey leading to the same place. Along with community and Jesus, this process has been so liberating. I started getting answers for a lot of my questions, and they are still being answered.

I have always been the yes type of guy. I would say yes for many reasons but driven by the motive to keep people happy. I have also been investing so much time in other people that I started to dry out. This year I had told myself that this will be a year of saying NO. At the same time it is also a year for me.

I had not realized but I have been placed into a cage by myself and by other people's opinions and suggestions. A cage which is difficult to break out of. A cage of religion firstly. Thinking that what I was doing was great, but mostly motivated by what other men portrayed. A cage of fear. Driven by the feeling of the fear of man. Over apologizing for not meeting standards, not being good enough in the other person's retrospect and just for being me. A cage of busyness. Too busy for the people and loved ones that actually matter. Making time of getting to know someone well and making new friends.

My soul had gone to sleep like a bird who was perishing behind bars. I couldn't stand the religion and all the other stuff anymore. I said no to the systems, because we were never made for systems but for freedom.

In the freedom I had found darkness, but it was okay because I was journeying with Jesus. I invited Him into every space and spoke to my friend about everything so that I could stay accountable. In moments like these my identity is what Holy Spirit reminds me of, and I am immediately reminded of my worth.

I am sitting in the car and I felt like apologizing to Jesus about the mess. Just as I was about to open my mouth, I felt Him say to me... "Don't apologize for the becoming". Jesus was setting my soul free by journeying with me in the darkness and in the light of my unraveling.

I know a lot of people who have been a part of this or have stood far and watched from a distance. Even the ones who knew about the things no one knew about, must know this. That this journey is what needs to be lived out by me. This is me sitting at a table for two. Him (Jesus being my mirror) and I. This is us gazing at each other and seeing reflections of imperfection founded in perfection.

Some of us are constantly in a wrestle with ourselves in very real moments. We are faced with the truth of who we are, but we simply deny ourselves because we are afraid of who we truly are. Impressions, suggestions, opinions, processing, vulnerability. These are all a part of the journey from us and those around us. However, we need to ask the real questions and discover some things for ourselves. 

I have seen people of old age already who have made a home in their cage and they willing to die there, if they are not dead already. I refuse to be that person. I have been liberated by Freedom Himself, so why do I stay objected to what another mortal has to say?

Let's laugh a little more and cry for everything that moves are hearts. Let's dance to the music that moves our soul and let's lay and watch the stars. 

Life has become about the robbery of joy, love and time. But let embrace every moment, but the only way to do so is to be free. 

I am now a cage less bird. 

RIP Rowyn Coetzee

Growing up, I grew up as a timid child who was moved a lot by emotion. I believe, looking back, that I buried a lot of who I was based on peoples perception of who they thought I was. This carried on throughout puberty and the identity crisis period of teenage life.

However, these past two years has really been a messy fight of unlearning these tormenting mindsets of not fully accepting yourself. It was one painful, messy and vulnerable process, in which I believe is nearly at its end. It was one of those processes that no matter how painful it was, you had to go through it. There was no option around it.

There were moments where I had to be honest with myself, the good stuff and the bad. There were times where I felt angry about silly things like my clothes are being worn by another person without my consent, or I felt left out because I was third wheeling with a couple who just saw one person in the room. I had to make peace with the fact that I had these very real feelings, that one cannot just shake off. Sometimes we need to talk about it you know, and most of the times it ended up in conversation so that I could be freed.

The bible says the truth will set you free. Now, in many of our lives we have subconsciously painted this picture of a false self. One who is too afraid to wear clothes that expresses who we are. One is who is too afraid to voice opinion because we think it won't carry weight. One who is dying to say I love you, but at the thought thereof it dies. Why? We are too afraid to be us, and that my friend is a true problem.

We have adults who are dying out and they have never experienced the freedom of true authenticity.

Many people have nicknames for me. Some call me Ro, R, Robo, Rowkie and the old time favourite - Rowy. Then there are two of my friends who call me Sunflower. Whenever we chat they would always refer to me as sunflower.

I got me thinking. What my friend's mom said, about how she views me like a flower. Someone who is sensitive and needs to be attended to all the time. Talk about high maintenence! Hahaha!

These were three confirmations of me being like a flower. It made sense to my heart, and strangely enough when I was a child I loved the colour yellow. But that changed because I thought it was not cool, cause no one else liked it. Anyway, the point is, I am sensitive like a flower and I love that about me! I am a strong personality, but deep inside there is a very soft place that many find, but not many dive into.

I believe a lot of what we listen to changes our perception on life. For example, growing up in church all your life. You start to view and walk this journey of life in a very particular way. I love the church, but sometimes I feel like the culture in church that I grew up with have subliminally taught us that we all have to be happy all the time because we are Christian. There was no space to be ourselves, in our stuff. We had to suck it up and be okay, when we were not.

I think now in my life within church spaces and other confined spaces I find myself in, I tend to break and tear the barriers. It has always been my nature to break the normalities, and I feel like in these environments this desire comes alive even more.

I thought I was real, until real life crap got a hold of you and then you are like "What the heck? I thought I was okay, but I am actually not". And you realise in those very deep dark moments that you have been living a lie. Every time you looked into the mirror you told yourself that you were okay, when you were busy falling a part. Until you find out that you need help, and then you reach out for it.

I just recently got a tattoo and without fail I got some flack about it. To be honest, I am not bothered. Firstly, have those who stand one side to observe, judge and comment for once walked in my shoes?

I was speaking to my lovely friend, Lauren Snyders about where I am in life at the moment. She quickly responded with these words, "I think about how piercings and tattoos have become the issue when the issue was why did he or she get the tattoo" (paraphrased). I feel like there are many of us who has a voice but someone has failed to hear us out or we have been tied to the boundaries and limitations. Now all we want to do is have the world hear our cry of expression.

In the week a wonderful woman I am honoured to know celebrated her birthday. This particular night I was chilling in my car looking at the tree blow with the wind. I was not wanting to leave this scene of silence. As I voicenoted my wish to her, I cried my heart out, because here was someone, older and more matured than me - who understood me! I swear every conversation with this woman was so real that it killed every part of me that still held onto fake. I am glad that someone who loves Jesus, is older, is mature and wise could tell me on days I asked how she was doing, that she was not okay and why she wasn't.

To me it is beauty when we can let our guards down around those we love. I have seen some friends cry when it was just the two of us in the room. These are precious moments of which I feel is one of the most vulnerable ways a human can open themselves up to another human.

It is almost the end of 2018, I am 25 years old. I don't have to lie to myself any longer, it is time that this sunflower blooms in the sunlight again and be who I was meant to be.

R.I.P. 
Rowyn Coetzee

The one who was afraid to be him. 
The one who was more bothered about what the people would say. 
To that one who was afraid to place his hand on another because he wanted to whisper to them that he loved them. 
The one who was afraid of the Summer. 
The one who felt inadequate to share his mind. The one who thought his heart was too deep and he was too sensitive. 

That one has died...














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