Colors, rainbows and sparkles. All of them and everything in between. This is the epitome of me. This is my story. However, this wasn't always part of my true reality, because I lived in the spoken and unspoken expectations of people and what the Christian society deemed as fit to be Christian. And PS I am not here to 'out' the Christian community, because I am very much a part of the community, but damn they hurt and continue to hurt a lot of people in the LGBTQ+ community.
I would like to think that I grew up very liberal even though I grew up Christian. My family and I never really joined intensely strict religious churches. The churches we found ourselves in were mainly driven by young people and so this had its perks in regards to the sense of liberty we experienced in these spaces. I found myself being in leadership within these church spaces from the age of 15 due to my love for people and my natural gift of leadership. These memories are ever so dear to my heart.
My earliest memory of same-sex attraction was in Grade 3. He was a boy named, Jade. One day during the art exercise in class, as I was blowing ink out of a straw onto my page, I just felt Jade walk past and blew into my neck. Now who knows why he did that, but boy oh boy did that do something to me. All I remember was my body shivered a bit and I was somewhat intrigued. Thereafter, my entire Primary and High School journeys were filled with moments where this attraction grew. I might have asked a girl to be my valentine and got rejected because she wasn't feeling it and also might have kissed a friend of mine for fun (who is bi by the way) but none of these interactions with women really did it for me. People had told me later on that I just need to try having sex with a woman once and my perspective will change because the vagina is really that good. And I would be like "uhm".
Even though I had been messing around with guys in regards to romance, sex and friendship, I was never really allowed to explore my sexuality. Questions like, why do I like boys? Why do I feel different when a man touches me to when a woman does? What does gay look like in every day life? These were some of the questions I had floating in my mind, but had to suppress because you just don't ask these questions being a coloured male and on top of it, Christian. I think for most of my childhood I grew up looking at the "moffies" (and I hate this term as it is degrading) and associated being gay to what that stereotypically looked like. But to be honest I couldn't relate. I was a boy who liked boys, simple. But the problem was that I could not relate to straight boys either. With all of these feelings of feeling displaced, I also didn't feel that I could venture into my questions around sexuality because of my involvement in church as well.
At the age of 15 I was dating a guy who was just over 30 years old. I really loved him, but by law this was statutory rape. My parents had found out about this and it quickly became an ordeal. Not only did they find out about me being gay but now I was a boyfriend to a man twice my age. I was immediately pushed into an ultimatum to choose between my family and my boyfriend. And of course, I chose my family. I then decided to "change" my life and this lasted for two years. After that, I "relapsed" and found myself in constant ex-gay internal conversations. This went on for years. What does loving Jesus and being gay look like? People referred me to people who are now ex-gay but their testimonies never touched me. Other pastors prayed for me because they saw a spirit over my sexuality and some people in the prophetic told me in some spaces I was becoming more manly and this was great because God is changing me. Hence all these experiences, how dare I even entertain sexuality questions. Yet, sexuality was never discussed in church, well, only when they made fun of homosexuals, mocking them from the pulpit.
I left institutional church as we know it. I just could not live with so many regulations and expectations that were set by previous church fathers who created a culture of toxicity in many ways. And what made it worse was that the current baby-boomer leaders were sustaining this culture. If we must be honest with ourselves, the Church (capital C), has hurt many people and not only the people from the LGBTQ+ community. And I include myself in that statement. Because of my internal homophobia, even though I was gay myself, I would stand arguing with other people in the LGBTQ+ community. And then in that same week venture out with a man to do exactly what I was speaking against. I was set to target teens who were "struggling" with sexuality and share with them my story of how I "overcame" homosexuality but this was all so vain and all my words fell down by the wayside days after my mission.
I remember after going back and forth with him about some traumatic things he told me, it just got to me on every emotional level. My friend had been visiting from the states and I had visited his hotel. I just remember sitting on the bathroom floor crying. I was crying because I had now been working through trauma I had been carrying for years.
-The trauma of not allowing myself to love another man because homosexuality is wrong
At that point, I decided enough was enough. And I knew that this catfish experience was more than just someone's selfish manipulation but it was pushing me into a space where I had to face all I was carrying for 27 years. I made peace with myself and my sexuality. I had sat down constantly with close friends and leaders who have been and is still journeying with me and they listened without judgement or pushing me into some form of conversion therapy. I sat down with my mamma because I felt that sitting down with her would be honoring her, and she said "boy, I already knew this" and laughed. Well, at least she can stop asking me for grandkids now.
Journeying through this was tough. I know many people in the Christian community stand by and watch. I bet you some ignorant folk are even praying for me to turn. Shame. But I am done with that bullshit. This shit is traumatizing to queer people. I have friends who get into heterosexual marriages because they want to "overcome" their sexuality issues. I have other friends who live double lives because they cannot tell their family as they are dependent on them financially or the spiritual beliefs in their home completely opposes these thoughts. But my people are hurting and this is due to groups of people establishing cultures from places of homophobia and now we live fighting against these prejudice behaviors.
To the larger Christian community, I think my love for you is dying. You just annoy me because you don't live a life that carries light. All you do is force scripture down people's throats and that my friend is not how you do things.
To my friends, my leaders, my family and the amazing queer support group I recently joined. I am grateful that you have taken the time and patience to journey with me because the last year has been both messy and beautiful for me. I know there are some of you who struggle to conceptualize sexuality and the complexity of it, but you have and continue to love me so well. And I thank you for taking time to journey with me. You are loved!
I wish we could all learn to treat people as treasures that they are. We often treat people as if they are projects and not like people. Enough of the "you can't sit with us" bullshit that we have cultivated when someone doesn't look or live the lives that we live. We so easy to use scripture to separate people groups, control people and condemn people when it is supposed to be used to heal. And let me add this, STOP SAYING THAT YOU LOVE THE LGBTQ+ COMMUNITY when none of them are sitting at your tables dining with you. When none of them are in your leadership teams, having influence in rooms of decision-making. When none of them feel like you bring them dignity and validation. Because it is like saying that you love people of colour but all you see are white people doing life with you.
With much frustration,
Love Ro.
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