I had gone home to sleep for two hours and then back in the game of being the extrovert. But as I was driving to my friend's place, a phrase dropped into my mind while the sweet sounds of JP Cooper played in the background. "Sometimes we just need to make peace with ourselves". I pulled over in front of some random pub that was closed and parked in the parking. I whipped out my iPad and started jotting down what is happening in my head. I started with "Dear Rowyn..."
I didn't know I was going to unravel in the next few moments, but I did. Boy oh boy was it a glorious mess! I was becoming undone.
Up until this point I feel like everything was a build up. Everything had kind of made sense. The discovery of self had now become the acceptance of self. I knew I was sorrowful but I had not known how deeply sorrowful until I started writing myself this letter. I had stated things that I cannot really mention on this blog, but what I can say is that I wrote about the things that got me ripped up deep inside.
Now just before this point, I had made some drastic decisions for myself. I have also asked the questions I was afraid to ask because of the culture I was living in for all my life amongst some crazy decisions of tasting and seeing what I have not before. This process was a messy one, but one where I became true to what was happening inside of me.
During the festive I dropped my friend, Lauren, a message to rant about what was happening in my heart. She told me, "Ro, maybe you are becoming". Wow, this phrase hit me so hard. I think about it all the time. Every moment of this journey of self discovery has been a journey within a journey leading to the same place. Along with community and Jesus, this process has been so liberating. I started getting answers for a lot of my questions, and they are still being answered.
I have always been the yes type of guy. I would say yes for many reasons but driven by the motive to keep people happy. I have also been investing so much time in other people that I started to dry out. This year I had told myself that this will be a year of saying NO. At the same time it is also a year for me.
I had not realized but I have been placed into a cage by myself and by other people's opinions and suggestions. A cage which is difficult to break out of. A cage of religion firstly. Thinking that what I was doing was great, but mostly motivated by what other men portrayed. A cage of fear. Driven by the feeling of the fear of man. Over apologizing for not meeting standards, not being good enough in the other person's retrospect and just for being me. A cage of busyness. Too busy for the people and loved ones that actually matter. Making time of getting to know someone well and making new friends.
My soul had gone to sleep like a bird who was perishing behind bars. I couldn't stand the religion and all the other stuff anymore. I said no to the systems, because we were never made for systems but for freedom.
In the freedom I had found darkness, but it was okay because I was journeying with Jesus. I invited Him into every space and spoke to my friend about everything so that I could stay accountable. In moments like these my identity is what Holy Spirit reminds me of, and I am immediately reminded of my worth.
I am sitting in the car and I felt like apologizing to Jesus about the mess. Just as I was about to open my mouth, I felt Him say to me... "Don't apologize for the becoming". Jesus was setting my soul free by journeying with me in the darkness and in the light of my unraveling.
I know a lot of people who have been a part of this or have stood far and watched from a distance. Even the ones who knew about the things no one knew about, must know this. That this journey is what needs to be lived out by me. This is me sitting at a table for two. Him (Jesus being my mirror) and I. This is us gazing at each other and seeing reflections of imperfection founded in perfection.
Some of us are constantly in a wrestle with ourselves in very real moments. We are faced with the truth of who we are, but we simply deny ourselves because we are afraid of who we truly are. Impressions, suggestions, opinions, processing, vulnerability. These are all a part of the journey from us and those around us. However, we need to ask the real questions and discover some things for ourselves.
I have seen people of old age already who have made a home in their cage and they willing to die there, if they are not dead already. I refuse to be that person. I have been liberated by Freedom Himself, so why do I stay objected to what another mortal has to say?
Let's laugh a little more and cry for everything that moves are hearts. Let's dance to the music that moves our soul and let's lay and watch the stars.
Life has become about the robbery of joy, love and time. But let embrace every moment, but the only way to do so is to be free.
I am now a cage less bird.
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