However, these past two years has really been a messy fight of unlearning these tormenting mindsets of not fully accepting yourself. It was one painful, messy and vulnerable process, in which I believe is nearly at its end. It was one of those processes that no matter how painful it was, you had to go through it. There was no option around it.
There were moments where I had to be honest with myself, the good stuff and the bad. There were times where I felt angry about silly things like my clothes are being worn by another person without my consent, or I felt left out because I was third wheeling with a couple who just saw one person in the room. I had to make peace with the fact that I had these very real feelings, that one cannot just shake off. Sometimes we need to talk about it you know, and most of the times it ended up in conversation so that I could be freed.
The bible says the truth will set you free. Now, in many of our lives we have subconsciously painted this picture of a false self. One who is too afraid to wear clothes that expresses who we are. One is who is too afraid to voice opinion because we think it won't carry weight. One who is dying to say I love you, but at the thought thereof it dies. Why? We are too afraid to be us, and that my friend is a true problem.
We have adults who are dying out and they have never experienced the freedom of true authenticity.
Many people have nicknames for me. Some call me Ro, R, Robo, Rowkie and the old time favourite - Rowy. Then there are two of my friends who call me Sunflower. Whenever we chat they would always refer to me as sunflower.
I got me thinking. What my friend's mom said, about how she views me like a flower. Someone who is sensitive and needs to be attended to all the time. Talk about high maintenence! Hahaha!
These were three confirmations of me being like a flower. It made sense to my heart, and strangely enough when I was a child I loved the colour yellow. But that changed because I thought it was not cool, cause no one else liked it. Anyway, the point is, I am sensitive like a flower and I love that about me! I am a strong personality, but deep inside there is a very soft place that many find, but not many dive into.
I believe a lot of what we listen to changes our perception on life. For example, growing up in church all your life. You start to view and walk this journey of life in a very particular way. I love the church, but sometimes I feel like the culture in church that I grew up with have subliminally taught us that we all have to be happy all the time because we are Christian. There was no space to be ourselves, in our stuff. We had to suck it up and be okay, when we were not.
I think now in my life within church spaces and other confined spaces I find myself in, I tend to break and tear the barriers. It has always been my nature to break the normalities, and I feel like in these environments this desire comes alive even more.
I thought I was real, until real life crap got a hold of you and then you are like "What the heck? I thought I was okay, but I am actually not". And you realise in those very deep dark moments that you have been living a lie. Every time you looked into the mirror you told yourself that you were okay, when you were busy falling a part. Until you find out that you need help, and then you reach out for it.
I just recently got a tattoo and without fail I got some flack about it. To be honest, I am not bothered. Firstly, have those who stand one side to observe, judge and comment for once walked in my shoes?
I was speaking to my lovely friend, Lauren Snyders about where I am in life at the moment. She quickly responded with these words, "I think about how piercings and tattoos have become the issue when the issue was why did he or she get the tattoo" (paraphrased). I feel like there are many of us who has a voice but someone has failed to hear us out or we have been tied to the boundaries and limitations. Now all we want to do is have the world hear our cry of expression.
In the week a wonderful woman I am honoured to know celebrated her birthday. This particular night I was chilling in my car looking at the tree blow with the wind. I was not wanting to leave this scene of silence. As I voicenoted my wish to her, I cried my heart out, because here was someone, older and more matured than me - who understood me! I swear every conversation with this woman was so real that it killed every part of me that still held onto fake. I am glad that someone who loves Jesus, is older, is mature and wise could tell me on days I asked how she was doing, that she was not okay and why she wasn't.
To me it is beauty when we can let our guards down around those we love. I have seen some friends cry when it was just the two of us in the room. These are precious moments of which I feel is one of the most vulnerable ways a human can open themselves up to another human.
It is almost the end of 2018, I am 25 years old. I don't have to lie to myself any longer, it is time that this sunflower blooms in the sunlight again and be who I was meant to be.
R.I.P.
Rowyn Coetzee
The one who was afraid to be him.
The one who was more bothered about what the people would say.
To that one who was afraid to place his hand on another because he wanted to whisper to them that he loved them.
The one who was afraid of the Summer.
The one who felt inadequate to share his mind. The one who thought his heart was too deep and he was too sensitive.
That one has died...
Facebook page: Rowyn Coetzee
Instagram: @rocoetzee
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