Drained by Life

I became a parent, but I did not have children.
I became your husband, but I never married you.
I paid your bills, but I never asked for debt.
This is the song of unfair melodies.

This is me, prematurity embraces me. My thoughts, my lifestyle and actions became accustomed to who I was supposed to be in the future, instead I became that being in my teens.
I get upset when people tell me, "You don't know what it is like to have children" or "You don't have the financial strain that we have as parents". It is different when your little sibling comes to you with homework, after you worked all day, because your mother cannot assist due to her incapability to help her with current homework questions. It is different when you feel the strain because you played the role of substantial support for so many years that your choices are no longer your own. Often times I wonder and think about taking steps forward but they take the back step because other matters has to be seen to. A toe was broken. A raffle list was incomplete. You know, parent things.

So you come from a demanding job to family. In that it is ministry and then you try to catch up with friends you didn't see. But you always a step ahead in your mind and you are already tired just thinking about it. Every free moment is time to sleep, time to breathe because just in case I cannot gather enough energy to live out the next part if this day present.

So I sit and I feel drained by life. The constant need to walk in shoes I was never meant to walk in. Sometimes walking in those shoes too long makes you never want to ever walk in those shoes even when the time is right, because you lived the life and it became a burden because you weren't groomed into it at the proper time.

Now I have another reason why people take their lives. Maybe the pressure of this life was too much and they couldn't hang on any longer. Maybe they couldn't draw strength from another because no one saw the strain in their eyes. Maybe their parents left their responsibilities to their children and they didn't know how to be a child and a parent at the same time. It was never meant to be this way. Your sacrifice became my sacrifice. Your giving of affirmation became me giving affirmation.

So now you understand why some hang themselves by their necks on a tree, or why some take pills to become at ease. The pain became too much and the pressure subdued their minds. But there is a voice deep in me that encourages me to go on, to wake up, to live out the day. How long I don't know, but it sustains me.