Insecurities

So today in Ablaze (A vibrant live  praise and worship session) at Shiloah Christian School, I had asked Qawe to take a video recording of us leading worship. Then as usual on my way home I tried to catch up with what is happening on my phone. I then watched the video and all I could think about was, "I don't like my posture". I then remembered most videos or pictures that I had been in before and how I didn't like the way I stood or the clothes I was wearing, or my hair or whatever else could bother me.

So these insecurities look me in the face, especially if it is mirrored to me. My voice, my posture, my hand gestures, my weird affection and the list could possibly go on. I dislike many things about me and I might appear to be confident, but you don't know man. Yes I could speak to a school encouraging them to worship every Wednesday and every Friday, but you don't see what happens in my mind. I constantly have to remind myself, "Rowyn, are you making eye contact with the people in the room? Is what you saying relevant enough?" In general daily life I tend to wonder if I am really communicating with the ones around me on a good social level. Then it comes to the arts and I wonder to myself if I even have stage presence. Do I captivate the one who is watching or listening to me? Do I keep them intrigued and wanting more? All these things, I am reminded every time about my insecurities. I am 22 now, and yes in my teens I battled a lot with insecurities,  but when you are in early adulthood you deal with a different degree of insecurities.

In this age I don't think it is any easier to overcome these insecurities, because I live in a self-conscious age and what we portray is of utmost importance. But I give up trying to live to a certain standard of what we are supposed to look like. There is beauty in the weirdness of our ambience and what we carry. Simply trying to be like someone else won't necessarily work for you. Yes we might have role models but you can never be them, you can be LIKE them but never them. I would always tell this story when I encourage young people to be themselves and love who they are. When I was younger, I was really awkward with people one on one, I think often times I still am. I prefer a bigger group than one person around me. So I would be dropped at home by my youth leader's courtship partner at the time and she is this really extrovert bubbly person. She laughs really loud and appears to be really confident, especially with young people. So I went home and at some point I prayed unto God and asked Him simply to make me like my youth leader, to make me bubbly like she is. I think in this moment God probably giggled at my request. But at some point I got it, I don't ever have to be like her or anyone for that matter. There was just this peace that filled my heart and that was that I am quiet at times, and I burst out in loudness other times, but there is nothing wrong with me. I am just being me.

So I am corny at times, silly in other times. You would see me to be really serious at times, and other times it is easy to approach me. But this is who I am. I was never made to live up to someone else's standards except God. So I might still have insecurities and I swear it is not easy to deal with it, but I pray that God gives me the confidence to change what needs to be changed and the things that cannot change, to just let it go.

Be you! Be proud to be you flaws and all!

Shalom.