I am just a broken soul

Tonight I am just a bit more emotional than usual. I am laying on the bed and just pondering and listening to some worship by Steffany Gretzinger. It is just one of those evenings I want to be alone and I am. Mom has gone out with a friend and my sisters are asleep.

This time I am not thinking about my regrets, or the should haves or could haves. I have been feeling a lot of this for a while now. I just want to know what He sees when He looks at me, what He is thinking about me and what His heart says about me. I am not looking for another prophetic word for ministry and how God will use me. Practically I am not interested in that right now. I just need to know His love in such a real way to me. Like the writer of Song of Solomon says that, "I went out looking for him in the streets, in the night, but I did not find the One my heart loves so" (paraphrased) It is not a containable feeling to feel lovesick and in need of the One you love. I feel like completely abandoning myself from being in front of people, getting off from the stage and seeking Him. The stage is the least of my concerns in this season.

Someone very close to my heart has recently gone for counselling. I see how this person is just glowing because the issues are being dealt with. I soon realised that I am in desperate need of counselling. There is a deep work that needs to be done in my life. A deep work where all the layers are removed and those things get dealt with in the natural and spiritual. I desire to feel whole, complete and secure. I do not want anything else. It is definitely not one of those things where you talk once or twice and it is over, but really a walking out of that season. I also do not want to go out seeking for that counsel, but I would love the Lord to send someone or a team of people my way, whom I do not have a relationship with, someone or people who are neutral.

I am just a broken soul. He said in His Word that He is close to the broken hearted. Gosh, I think I covered everything up, for years! Yet there is a love that can restore it all! There is a love that does not harm or deceit the heart and He has our best interests at heart.

The Lord came upon me on Friday afternoon (5th June 2015) during the Ablaze session at Shiloah Christian School and He violently spoke through me. He said, "Some of you have been walking around that mountain for years like the Israelites did for 40 years in the desert. Some of you wonder why you only get thus far in your relationship with me and you fall, but you have strongholds surrounding you! Some of you are in the same season and it is like a cycle because the strongholds need to be broken". About six children stayed behind. But as I am typing this blog, it is like the Lord is saying that word was for you too.

I have been feeling like I am in that season where God did not communicate with mankind, between Malachi and Matthew, for a very long time. But I know now why! I need that deliverance He so promised.

Some of you may wonder why is this guy putting himself in such a vulnerable place on social media. But maybe there are some of you out there who might wonder what is wrong with yourself or you simply cannot receive freedom from my oppression. It is time to get quiet and listen to the voice of the Father, He wants to deliver you. He is standing with arms wide open and ready to walk with us through every step of the journey. And deliverance is not easy and it doesn't always mean deliverance from possession and what not. Some of us need deliverance from ourselves.

So I am letting go...