The 20's

I have been thinking a lot lately, more evaluating and measuring the has been's and could haves. I guess you get to that place where you start to evaluate and test the hands of time in your 20's. I think in your teens it is all about figuring out life and asking a lot of 'whys?', now all the questions that comes forth is 'when?' 'Why did I?' 'What have I accomplished?'..

Somebody told me in the week, "Rowyn you are so mellow now, that is not how I used to know you.." (I paraphrased) Those words struck me, something in me switched on. I realised that I am a lot slower than I used to be, physical and in other ways. Maybe because of medication I am slower and less out there and running. Other than that I think life just gets a hold of you at times. Once the burden starts, the pile builds and soon you are walking when you are supposed to be running, and you lost the awareness of who you are and what lies in you.

It just becomes all about work, sleep, eating and paying bills. Same routine everyday. It kills me inside.

I must be honest this creative soul lost it's spunk somewhere along the road. I miss the old Rowyn who was the initiator, the one who runs in front of the pack, the one who has passion bubbling inside. But because of the boxes people had put me in, the borders to live by, slowly I lost the sense of who I was. Situations and trials weigh you down. Now you have to grow yes, in maturity, and you cannot always be the same. But that is not the point of this blog post. The point is maturity doesn't bring the loss of passion and zeal  in the package, in fact it is supposed to grow as you mature.

I am 21 now, I will be turning 22 in June. And oh boy I have regrets to fill a book. I do I have regrets. I shouldn't have tasted certain things before the time, I shouldn't have started drinking with my classmates. I shouldn't have rebelled secretly against my parents. I shouldn't have used cut myself, I shouldn't have desired the darkness, I shouldn't have, I shouldn't have... They fill the subconscious of my mind in the still of the day even when I am in a crowd.

So some might read this and say you are such a role model and you have done so much, even in the kingdom. But maybe you don't know the whole story..

I pay the consequences of my decisions from the age of 14 till this day. When I see faces in the train, roads and shopping malls, I feel sad that I had broken hearts and I had severed friendships. I feel abandoned by lovers who had left me because I wasn't mature enough to be open and not let my emotions bubble. I feel neglected because I was honest, telling them the truth and immediately I felt outcast and broken because I didn't fit that part of their lives any more.

Smiles and scars are what remains. You don't see the scars but they somewhat faded on my left arm. I used to cut myself in the toilet, at my friends homes and at the beach to acoustic soul music. Then I would go to church that Sunday with my arm covered and burning from the fresh wounds. I remember seeing the light, but I was broken with no hope.

That was a PART of my teenage season. It was horrible indeed, lots of tears, lots of pain. The person you see today is because of what happened over the years.

I remember someone had introduced me to the piano, boy that was my offload place. I would pour my heart out on the piano with simple chords, crying and singing. "All my other lovers left me to die. All my other lovers left me to bleed here alone without You..." I would sing with the guitar, get a drummer and sing a rock song, "I was down, I was out my heart broke into pieces!" Brokeness is a part of who I am.

There are wounds very deep in this soul and there is a boy ready to see the light. 21 and counting, I need the love of Christ to dwell and remove every covering. Every mask.

I find hope in the One who loves me, the One who's Name is Abba Father. I hold fast onto the love letter He wrote us in Song of songs. And when I mess up I read Hosea.

There are days I wish He had fetched me already, because I am so tired. It slows me down. So don't judge me, I am holding onto Him and I pray my love doesn't fade.

I want to also ask forgiveness for all the people I have met maybe once or twice or even thrice.  I want to ask forgiveness for all my classmates in high school. I want to ask forgiveness for those whom I built relationships with in churches I have served in and even visited. I want to ask forgiveness for every person I have called a friend.

You might not believe it, but I am not the best at keeping relationships. Once the urge is there I build it and very fast, then life hits and I forget...

I am finding myself, in my teens and 20's, still discovering. I am sorry if I hurt you in the process. It is not my intention.