Because I am a very intimate-driven person, generally I tend to get the opposite response within relationships and with people I want to pursue intimacy with. With most of these people, only few will understand and not just understand but they will speak back to me in measures I have spoken to them (and by this I do not mean by words).
Being on this side of the spectrum, always desiring for intimacy and reaching for deep places, I have seen and come accross many people who are afraid to become vulnerable. Friends to friends, family to family and a really sensitive issue of having men to men being intimate.
There is a sense of vulnerability that comes along with intimacy. Somewhere along the lines you are going to have to let go of certain manerisms and come to an unspoken agreement of allowing someone into a place you hardly open up to because you are afraid. With vulnerability comes the openness to be hurt because you have given someone a way in to a very sensitive part of your heart space, and this can be terrifying.
On these blogs I try to be as honest as I can be, because people have responded saying how much this has helped them. So with that said I will share a bit of the space I recently came out of.
I am a person very soft at heart and wants to allow everybody in, even if that is not our reality. At some point during this difficult journey, I have come to a place where I felt like all I had was just a very small remainder of my heart in my hand. I had asked myself, "Well, where did the rest go? How come I feel so empty?" That is when I started becoming selfish and build up those walls to not allow anyone in again. I felt safe and secure behind the walls, but all my heart was screaming for was, "WHERE IS THE INTIMACY? WHERE IS THE INTIMACY?". My heart began to harden and I knew that that place behind the walls was not a healthy place for me, so I had to face myself and my issues.
As blogged about before, my craving for physical affection is a very real part of who I am. I have been liberated once I came to terms with who I am and I no longer feel the need to teach people about it or make excuses for it, because if you love me, you will love all of me. Coming to that conclusion, I have also made peace that not everyone will be able to speak my language and in measures I do, but that we are all different in the way we are wired and approach relationships with people.
There is a beauty in becoming vulnerable with the people you truly love. Often times, this can become very daunting, but there will be times we have to get out from behind our walls and let people in so that they can experience the depth of how far pure love can go.
Some people are waiting for you to touch them and say I love you. Then there are those who need you to kiss their hand and say I appreciate you.
One day not too long ago, an elderly man in our church stole a kiss from me on my cheek when he greeted me. Part of me was shocked, but another part was so excited! It reminded me of what it says in Romans 16 that we should greet each other with a holy kiss and that also the world will see that we belong to Jesus because of our love for one another. This is real and true beloved! If today someone would see another man kissing another man on the cheek, it would be frowned upon. However, in that moment I felt such purity and love. By the way, this happened to me before where my youth leader kissed my hand openly infront of people and said, "Rowyn I appreciate you". It has done so much for me as a son, as a brother. This has taught me that love in purity has no motives that will destroy, rather to bring healing and reassure the heart. But it will cost you vulnerability.
This blog post is dedicated to my closenit: Chester and Whitney Philander, Tian Reagan, Mischa Ranchod and Brett Coetzee.
You have never failed to try to understand me even when it was hard and overwhelming. As demanding as my intimacy can get, you have always tried to meet me in places of great desire and for some it has been tough, but slowly you have been showing me the door to the deep places in your hearts. Thank you for being so kind and so patient. Thank you for correcting me and allowing me to cry on your shoulders or in your arms whichever ways have come. You have shown me immense measures of love that not many were willing to show me. Thank you for being vulnerable! I love you 5 so much.
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Shalom
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