As I was making breakfast this morning, the very real and constant emotion of love just came over me once again. However, when I had felt this emotion the Holy Spirit brought to my attention - "Is this infatuation?" He had just asked me generally and my mind flowed into two streams of thought. Firstly, I thought to myself, do people really love me? Secondly, I thought, do I really love Jesus or am I just merely infatuated with Him and His Presence? This got me thinking, and of course blogging!
For most of my life, I think people in the majority were just merely infatuated by Rowyn Coetzee. The oldies would say, "Ahhh he is such a sweet boy, such a beautiful young man". My friends and peers would say, "Come lets hang out, I miss you" and some of my lovers would say, "There is something about you" - but would leave me in a moment.
Learning about myself and how much I have to give when it comes to the expression of love and love in itself, I have found out that my love compared to those who profess to love me is love vs infatuation. I don't think that people truly understand how much I can love. To them it seems obsessive, but to me it is who I am. So without comparing the standards of love, I do find that many people are just infatuated with me. Love is a constant and a GROWING drive. If love ever stagnates then we have to ask ourselves what is wrong? Love tends to walk people out in their wrong, love breaks the fear and love has no human boundaries.
I have seen how the wrong people have loved me and the seemingly right people have been infatuated with me as an individual. I remember a few years ago, I was part of a group of young guys who came together once a week as part of cell group. During this time my family and I had stayed in one room together. We cooked there, bathed there and definitely slept in that room. The sad thing is, not once had my "leader" come in and sit on my bed to talk or just hang out. Eventually, I had left that church for various reasons and stepped into a very dark season of depression and self-destruction. To my surprise, a woman who I had been slightly intimidated by as a child had come knocking on my heart's door. She had messaged me one day on Facebook and said that she wanted to meet up with me because she sees that I am in a dark place. We had joined roads of destiny and she had been at my house hanging and praying, but most importantly walking me out of depression. I feel like I still owe her my prayers and intercession.
Today I speak and have no relationship with the above parties spoken about, but if I had asked myself who did really love me guess who it would be? The woman who took the time out of her busy schedule to focus on me. To my leader, the young gentleman, I sadly feel like I was just a trophy to him. He had this young fiery worship leader, potential youth leader and amazing person in his team that he professed he had groomed, but had no place in the process. Many times he had called and drove to our house, but I didn't feel loved!
There is a vast difference between love and infatuation. Infatuation only lasts for a moment in high driven passion. It is a very sad reality, but some people love for the outcome of what it will bring them. This is a selfish love.
So I am asking myself in this place of life right now, who really does love me? Am I just a trophy? Or will you walk with me through the sorrows and the depths of my soul and still love me?
In this same way, we should ask ourselves two questions:
1. Do we really love people or are we infatuated with them?
2. Do we really love God or are we just infatuated with His Presence or the little glimpses we experience of Him in corporate worship?
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Shalom!
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