Mamma Bear

"I glanced over as she sat across the table from me. It was finally my chance to serve her. As she sat down to eat, I could not stare too long into her gorgeous brown eyes because I could see the brokenness and the pain she had endured for so long. She had done so much for me. She had been so kind..."

Growing up, things were not easy and unstability had made a home amongst my immediate family. Things became hectic in my parents' marriage and all I remember was running with my mother and sister in the middle of the night to find rest and to find peace because my dad had become drunk and violent. It was very confusing. The one moment we were fleeing, the next moment we were under the same roof as he was. Life had taken a huge turn in events and my mother had been strong for so long, so that we could feel secure.

Some nights became so much that all she had was me to cry on, and all I could do was be a little pillar of strength she needed in those moments. It felt like the abuse would never end. I remember one night we had stood infront of a haven looking for a place to lay down our heads. I can still feel all that we had felt in those moments, but she kept fighting.

Abuse did not stop by my father. Later on in life we had received abuse from neighbours, landlords, and even our own extended family. One harassment after the other. Our doors were banged on, my mother was cursed at, our electricity was illegally switched off and the list goes on. Now in these moments I honestly felt hopeless as a son, as the only man in the house. However, my mother, huh! She showed me what it was to be strong and to have those who needed to be defended be protected by broken hands. A woman short, beautiful and who has a very attractive personality soon became the feisty, fearful defender who would not allow the forces of darkness to come closer to her family.

There were many, many times she would borrow from people to make sure we had atleast something to eat those nights. God was all we had. He had also always blessed us with people to look after us in small and big ways when we needed to, and even though my dad had been broken - he was always just a phone call away.

I grew up in a Christian home of which my father and mother cultivated when I was very little. However, as I reached my teenage years I had dived into a lifestyle that broke my family when they had found out. My dad had cried for days on end and my mother and sisters, in shock, had tears in their eyes.

My life was a spiral of endless secret rebellion to what I was taught at home and in church, of which I attended faithfully. I remember it was in my Grade 12 year that all I wanted to do was sleepover at this particular individual's home. My mother, being very sensitive and discerning, had then told me something that softened my heart immediately. She said with a broken heart to me, "Rowy, I don't care if you are still living this lifestyle, all I want you to do is finish school." Now for someone who had scold at me every time I missed out on church, to then tell me that what I was doing was okay if I just finished school - had proven to me tremendous kindness (knowing that deep down she disapproves). This had been a seed planted in my heart that very soon made me not want to hurt her again.

So today, I write this letter to my mother of which I had recently started calling "Mamma", a term I picked up from my beautiful sisters. I want to show all my readers how much she means to me.

Mamma..

I know I do not always say that I LOVE YOU, because I am still healing. But deep down in my broken soul, there has always been a deep love for you.

The other day I heard you sing in the kitchen, and it gripped my heart on so many levels. Besides the amazing vibrato in your voice, there was just a stirring inside of me that made me realise how much you mean to me. I was peacefully reminded that this was the way you conquered through the hard times. You sang your way through most of your trials! Oh, you showed me what it means to lean on God as Husband and as Father even when it was difficult to see in the present people playing those roles. 

I know that myself and the girls have not been the best children, but I pray that we will live up to that soon. You have most certainly seen the best of us and the worst of us. But I honour you for not failing to mother us.

The trials and the pain was not in vain. Today, I see how other broken young people look at you, who lacks a motherly figure. I can see that deep down they long to be mothered. You would be a perfect mother to them. I see it in their eyes that they see the beauty to be restored through you. Do not be afraid. You always had it in you to raise broken children. I pray that God will use your brokenness as a beautiful story to touch, transform and change even the hardest of children and the most broken adults.

Words fail me in this blog. WORDS FAIL ME... To all the people who did you wrong, they did not see you for who you truly are. If they did, they would have sat down to partake from the beauty that Dad put inside of you.

The girls and I love you Mamma Bear.

"Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weaping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him." 

Psalm 126:5-6 NKJV 

Won't you share this post on your social media? I want to show my mother how many people read this letter to her and make her feel special. 

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Shalom!