Cycles of seasons

In the last year of my high schooling career (in the year 2010), I had found myself in the peak of my "secret" rebellion and I was unravelling quickly. The days were hot and the festive season was around the corner. It was a time of hanging out with friends, family gathering together and people being jolly. Everything seemed like the perfect Summer...

During this time, I had met a really amazing person. Someone who was my age, someone who loved my crazy personality and someone who I fell head over heels in love with. The beach was our place where many emotions were exchanged and our hearts were vulnerable. Before I knew it, the overwhelming waves of love turned into waves of deep sorrow and mourning. My life had caught up to me and I had to be honest with this one individual I thought made me happy. I had told the truth and in a matter of seconds I was rejected flat out because of fear and hurt. 

The almost-together-relationship became a horror story. We soon became friends because I was needy and still very much in love. All I received in return was salt in my wounds that my soul was struggling to bear. 

Depression became my food and sustenance. I couldn't understand why people were still laughing and why people were still being festive when I was left all alone to die. I couldn't really speak to anyone at this point, except a spiritual leader of mine and my closest of friends. 

My depression hit the peak of what I thought was impossible for me, but because of the hurt it drove me to a place of loneliness and isolation. The pain was just too much to bare, I needed a way to let out the pain. I then started buying myself blades and I would start to cut. I knew that a man or woman who takes their own life is a sin, and the consequence thereof would be eternal, so I did not cut myself to die. I cut myself to feel external pain that could speak for my internal pain. 

Corinne Bailey Rae would play as I cried all by myself in my bathroom, and the blood would begin to flow. I took this painful process to the beach along the rocks of the coast of St. James beach to the South of Cape Town and there were many times I would leave my friends' company to go and cut. To hide my burning fresh scars I would wear a striped arm sock to avoid questions. I remember one day my dad asked what was going on, I just responded that it was our cat. I knew he did not believe it. 

I was broken to fine pieces. During this time I had met a girl who was an emo-kid and I looked like I fitted the mould perfectly. I soon realised that to be somber all the time and not to laugh was not naturally me. I enjoyed laughter, even though it was very hard most of this time. 

I remember in this time I had left my church a few months prior, so the only place I felt welcomed and not judged was The Bay family church who was in Steenberg at the time. I could feel God beckon my heart everytime through His Spirit and through the amazing worship and fellowship of The Bay family. I would attend services with my arm sock and I was not asked any questions. 

My spiritual leader at the time had persistently walked me out my pain and I was restored and healed. However, what I did not know was that for the rest of the Summer's to come, from November to January I would have to face cycles of seasons that reminded me of all the hurt and pain I have endured in the year 2010. 

The other day a few friends and myself visited a couple who were mutual friends of ours. At the end of an amazing afternoon, the Lord had given my friend a word of knowledge. The cycle of feeling this pain every time Summer came became better each year, but it was not completely dealt with. 

Some of us face cycles of seasons because of the rape that happened when we were a child, the memory of family abuse in the home or a simple experience of childhood bullying. We would find that every year that specific time something in us shifts and we stare at the deepest wounding of our lives. Some of us are left in the dark with the fear that goes to bed with us till the season ends. 

Jesus Christ who is the Redeemer of seasons and times can break any cycle of seasons. We see that in the Word the Israelites walked around a mountain for about 40 years. The journey was only supposed to last for 11 days, but they had found themselves in a cycle of a season that carried on and on and on till something broke. God, Dad, He wants to break these cycles we constantly find ourselves in. 

I admit that I do get afraid sometimes because I am still suffering the consequences of when I was 14, but like the awesome movie (The fault in our stars) says, "PAIN DEMANDS TO BE FELT". 

I would like to honour the rebels of my youth who were my closest friends. Tammy-Jane and Marushka and Riaan. You have walked with me through so much and you have allowed me to deal, not leaving me alone. I would also like to say thank you to Shanon Webb who was the woman and spiritual leader who walked me out of my depression, who refused to let me suffer alone. Lastly, thank you to Ricardo and Tracey Veneendal from The Bay Family Church who were the youth leaders and also in the worship team at the time. You have shown me sooooo much love by just being. Thank you for not asking questions, but allowing me to be around when I needed the Jesus in you I knew would heal my broken heart. 

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(This was the sock I wore in 2010)